just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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