When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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