It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dignity is for republicans.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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