atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
