he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
