I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
