Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
