He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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