My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
