I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
