did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
