Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
