We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
