Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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