My brain says no but my pants say off.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
