My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
