Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
