I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just invented taco cereal.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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