Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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