she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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