So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
