Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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