i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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