dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
