I just pynch a tree in the face
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
