Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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