mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
did i walk over a car last night?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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