i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
