He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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