he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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