It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
