Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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