He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
