No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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