omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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