I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
