Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
