Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
