Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
