who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
