It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
