While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
