Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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