I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
