I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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