if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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