She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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