for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
