He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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