Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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